I'm talking the big "D"

The “D” word. Yup. The big “D”. No, not divorce. Depression. I’ve got it. No real shocker you say. After all you lost a baby, of course you’re depressed. Well, according to some they may think it’s all just part of the grief cycle.

I just want to say…Bull. When you know yourself, and how you feel normally everyday (good and bad), you know when something isn’t right. I knew I was sad and grieving the loss of our baby, but the way I had been feeling lately was much, much more than that.

My symptoms: I cried all the time. At least, whenever I could be alone. I tried really hard not to cry too much in front of the kids. I didn’t want to scare them. Also, I completely withdrew. From everyone and everything! This included the people who loved me most, my hubby and my kids. I just didn’t even want to be around them. How horrible is that?!?! I couldn’t enjoy the Christmas season with them. I didn’t decorate the house, make cookies, sing carols…nothing! Luckily hubby is so involved with the kids he picked up all the slack. Have I mentioned I’m married to the best guy in the world?

The clincher symptom for me was when I started wanting to live a completely different life. I mean totally different from where I was at the time. I live near the city…I wanted to live far out in the country, I mean really, really rural! I didn’t want to be married anymore. Well, c’mon that’s just not right. I mean, sure there are days when I say he’s a stinkin’ you know what, but you work that out. Married 15 years, now. I didn’t want my kids to go to the school they were in, I didn’t want to drive the car I had. I had a fantasy life building up in my head.

I knew I needed help when I decided I couldn’t live like this anymore and actually asked my husband to leave. He was smart. He didn’t cave. He knew it wasn’t “me” talking. He talked me through it, and I realized that I was literally out of my mind. That was the final straw for me. The “lightbulb” moment when I knew I would probably need some kind of medication to help me. So, I went to a Psychiatrist, who did a long analysis of what I had been going through, how long I had been feeling this way, and made some suggestions. Medication. Therapy. Both. I asked for medication. We went through the list of drugs, and decided on Wellbutrin SR. This is a slow release drug that did a world of wonders for me.

I started it right away. A small dose, and started to feel better within just a few days. WOW!! I couldn’t believe the difference. All those negative thoughts that had been rushing around in my head, had completely disappeared. It was almost too good to be true. But, it wasn’t. It was real, and for the first time I felt like my “real” self.

I’m not embarrassed that I need this. I don’t feel ashamed. I’m proud to tell anyone my experience in hopes of it helping someone else. So riddle me this? Why is there still such a stigma associated with mental health? No one whispers in hushed tones if they have diabetes, or low cholesterol. For crying out loud…how many erectile dysfunction commercials do I have to see on TV and no one’s snickering at them?

So my point is don’t be worried about taking a medication for your health problems. Even if health insurance and all those people out there have got it all wrong!!! Eventually I think this sector of health will become as widely covered as fertility (which may not be saying much, but at least it would be a start).

Crazy in the head,
Onegirliegirl

Miscarriage: Part 3, The emotional damage

I promise this one won't be as gory as the last one, but it will have a few details in it. I had foolishly been thinking just a few days before all the bleeding, how my losing the baby never felt "real" because there didn't seem to be any discomfort, pain, or real bleeding. HaHaHaHa!

What I didn't realize after the bleeding had stopped was the emotions that I would be facing. I had already come to understand that I was no longer growing this tiny being inside my body. Before the dispeling incident of "chicken parts" out of my body, it didn't seem like the baby was gone. But during my time in the shower with huge clots passing thru me, to the point of feeling like afterbirth over and over, I understood that there was no more baby.

This was when my depression really set in. I had trouble getting these visions out of my head. The emotional pain of it all was more than I could bear. I completely withdrew. From. Everyone.

Try to imagine a Christmas with 4 young children and you could care less what's going on around you. I couldn't focus on anything. I cried all the time (or at least whenever I was alone...the shower, the car, in bed). I didn't want to be in my house. I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, really even be anyone. Not that I was suicidal, I wasn't. I just didn't want my life. Plain and simple. I wanted to be Alice, working at Mel's diner with friends who totally understood me, and a son who always did the right thing. I didn't want the stress of real life, so I left it behind. I started to live in a fantasy world where everything was the complete opposite of where I was at that moment.

I didn't want to be married, I didn't want to live where I lived, didn't want the car I drove, didn't even want my kids. Man, that's hard to admit. I hadn't stopped loving them, I just didn't want what I had. I couldn't appreciate anything.

I don't remember Christmas last year. Not at all, really. I couldn't tell you what big items the kids got, or even who I saw. Actually I'm pretty sure I didn't see anyone, because I couldn't face people. I knew if they saw me, they'd want to acknowledge the loss of the baby and I just didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't even talk to my girlfriends whom I've known forever. They were no longer the light at the end of my tunnel. I couldn't see thru my tunnel, it had become so dark. After weeks of these feelings I realized that this was not the normal grieving process. I was prepared to give myself "some time", but this definately wasn't right. I knew I needed help and quickly. I just couldn't go on like this.

So I did. I got help. I am on medication and it has made a world of difference. I hope this testament will help someone who is suffering and may not know if they need help. Read this story and open yourself up to the option that you are not just grieving (as my OBGYN thought). I knew myself and listened to my inner self. Go with your gut and know you are not alone. Your suffering does not need to go on indefinately. Don't be embarrased as so many are today.

Next: Why is there such a stigmatism with mental health and medication?