Losing

As I drove home, don’t worry I waited until the hysteria had stopped, all I could think about was that the baby inside me was no longer living! That is about the craziest thing I’ve ever had to wrap my mind around. Let me start by explaining that even though the baby’s heart had stopped beating nearly 10 days prior, I still felt pregnant. I was still having my morning (evening) sickness, had already gained a ton of weight (yeah, weird), major league gas (clear the room) and was extremely tired. Oh yes, the cruel irony is that I had been able to enjoy that morning sickness and not being able to eat for 10 days even though technically, I wasn’t pregnant. Evidently the body still makes all those pregnancy hormones leading you into a false sense of security. My false sense of security! Believe me, I had thought about the possibilities of the pregnancy not going full term. After all, I was 40 years old and no spring chicken. But I didn’t REALLY think that it would happen to me. I was thinking like a foolish teenager who thought they could drive home after having one too many beers…Yeah, it happens, but not to me. Crash!!! Fatality - 1.

The next day was my birthday (Oh Joy!). Since I’d had no cramping or bleeding, my Dr. wanted to do a DNC as soon as possible. I let him know I just couldn’t do it on my birthday, so we scheduled it for 2 days later. I didn’t make a cake.

After I got home, hubby and I had the unpleasant task of telling our children. Yes, we are one of those couples that can’t wait to share our news and pretty much call everyone from the bathroom, after the stick shows us the plus sign. Now I know plenty of you are saying, “See, that’s why you should always wait”. Honestly, I just can’t do it. For one, I’m a terrible liar, I am always just ridiculously happy, I can’t keep something like that from my BFF and after waiting so long to have children and all the troubles we had gone through just to have our first, this is who we are. Don’t be hatin’.

The 2 oldest, Jack and Finn took it especially hard. They remember what it's like having babies and look forward to it every time. Dunn and Kelly really didn’t get it and were pretty much like “ok”. I didn't make a cake.

So we get to the day of “the procedure”. I’m nervous and don’t want to talk, even in the car when it’s just me and hubby. We arrive and everything goes “smoothly”. I get home and stay in bed for the rest of the day, and half of the next. No real pain, and some very slight, I mean slight bleeding. At this point I’m thankful that it didn’t have to be a big physical and painful reminder. Until the next day... which changed me forever!

To be continued.